This Time, I Choose Me

From Manado to Bali, through heartbreak, loss and grief, Jeine discovered that finding herself again could be the beginning of a new life.

My name is Jeine, and I am from Manado, Indonesia.

After graduating from college, I had great hopes for my life and for love. I was in a relationship with someone I loved deeply and believed we would eventually marry.

But life had a different path for me.

The relationship ended in heartbreak when I discovered that the person I loved had chosen someone else.

I was deeply hurt.

But from that pain came one of the first big decisions of my life.

I went to Bali.

I left Manado behind and started again in a place that was completely different from everything I knew.

Bali taught me independence

In Bali, I began rebuilding my life from scratch.

I worked in a hotel, then in a notary’s office, before eventually moving into another field and working at Bali Airport.

Each experience taught me something.

But perhaps the greatest thing Bali taught me was how to become an independent woman.

It was also where I met the man who would become my husband.

We fell in love and eventually married. I hoped our marriage would be the beginning of a beautiful new chapter.

But married life was not always easy.

From early on, I felt that I was not fully accepted by some members of my husband’s family.

Still, I tried.

I adapted. I learned to understand our differences. I respected his family and tried to live my life as a wife as best I could.

I endured many things because I believed that when we marry someone, we also learn to live with their differences, their habits and their family.

And then, in 2022, everything changed.

Losing my husband

My husband passed away.

Losing him was one of the most difficult experiences of my life.

I lost my life partner, but I also felt as though I had lost the place where I belonged.

Instead of having the space and support I needed to grieve, I found myself dealing with conflict, pressure and difficult family matters.

I felt alone.

There were also disagreements about matters I believed I had rights to as his wife, and much of what followed was taken over by members of my late husband’s extended family.

I was disappointed.

I was angry.

I was grieving.

And I was lost.

It became one of the darkest periods of my life.

There were times when everything felt unbearably heavy and I wondered how I would keep going.

But somewhere in the middle of that darkness, I began noticing something very simple.

I could still breathe.

I was still healthy.

I was still alive.

And I realised what an extraordinary blessing that was.

I chose to save myself

Eventually, I made another life-changing decision.

I chose to leave the environment that was causing me so much distress and separate myself from my late husband’s extended family.

Not because I wanted to hate anyone.

But because I wanted to save myself.

I wanted peace.

I wanted to stand on my own feet.

And more than anything, I wanted to become Jeine again.

For the first time in a very long time, I began asking myself:

Who am I, really?

I realised how many years I had spent adapting and trying to become someone other people would accept.

Now, I wanted to learn how to be myself again.

Building my own life

Slowly, I began rebuilding.

I returned to teaching English to children and communities in Indonesia. I also began teaching Indonesian to people from other countries who wanted to learn the language and understand more about Indonesia.

Then I found another way to use my knowledge and experience of Bali.

Today, I also support women who travel to Bali on their own.

I can drive them, accompany them while they explore the island, introduce them to beautiful places and help them feel safe and comfortable travelling independently.

For me, this work is about much more than earning an income.

It allows me to meet people, share experiences, help others and remind myself that I am still capable of creating something meaningful.

I am still here

My life today may not look like the life I imagined when I was younger.

I have experienced heartbreak.

I have been betrayed.

I have lost my husband.

I have lost my sense of security and belonging.

I have felt alone.

And I have experienced moments when life felt almost too heavy to carry.

But I am still here.

I am still breathing.

I am still healthy.

I am still working.

I am still learning.

I can still help others.

And, most importantly, I still have the opportunity to create a life that belongs to me.

Today, I no longer want to live simply to gain acceptance or recognition from other people.

I want peace.

I want to work.

I want to be independent.

I want to be useful to others.

And I want to enjoy the life God has still given me.

This time, I choose me

I don’t know what the next chapter will look like.

But I know what I don’t want.

I don’t want to lose myself again just so I can be accepted by others.

I want to be Jeine.

With all my wounds, experiences, mistakes, strength and dreams.

After everything I have lived through, I have learned that losing someone — or even losing the family and life you thought you had — does not mean you have lost your entire life.

I still have myself.

And this time, I choose not to abandon myself again.

This is not the end of my story.

It is the beginning of my new life.