Gently Finding My Way Back

I wrote a book once. A book about the journey I went through from the decision that I wanted something so much more for myself, and everything I did and went through to become the most joyful person I knew. “Permission to Shine” laid bare all the crying on the floor moments, to showing up to workshops and events, reading books, clinging to foreign feeling affirmations, meditating – you name it, I did it. But I got there. I learned to love myself, like myself, back myself and create a life for myself that delighted me to my very core. I ran a successful personal training business, ran workshops, met the man of my dreams (now my hubby), and was well chuffed with myself.

As life teaches us, challenges present themselves. I got way too excited, stopped the personal training side, and focussed on delivering workshops. This just felt like my jam. Nothing quite prepares you for the shift in regular consistent income, to dribbles. Sadly the dribbles continued over time, and I had to make the very grown up and responsible decision to go and get a job. I had to pay the bills, my mortgage and look after my son after all.

This felt great. For a while. I didn’t have to hustle, got holiday pay, and enjoyed working with other people. But again, those wonderful little digs started poking me in the ribs. I developed a full blown, angry rash that completely covered my legs. No amount of research, alternative healing, and even the run of the mill doctors could tell me what was going on. So began my downward spiral of self pity, embarrassment, covering up even in the heat of summer, self loathing, confusion. I got it all.

I’d always been so in tune with my body, but I felt betrayed. I just couldn’t work out what I was doing wrong, to get such a slap in the face. I felt a slippery slide into what I can only label as depression. Sleepless nights, brain fog, little to no physical energy. It was a chore even walking around the lake where I lived. And when you’ve exercised all your life, and made a living from it – the agony of this is excruciating. I felt like I was in quicksand, a dark, deeply uncomfortable and feeling of being alone. All the tools I’d used in the past no longer worked. I was just stuck.
I had to quit my job, as I was a walking shadow of myself, and even my poor beautiful husband was at his wits end.

This ‘phase’ has lasted 3 years to date, and only now I can detect some light. I felt like I was in a void, or a sitting room, and now, some of the noise has quietened down somewhat. I feel like I can breathe, and the vicelike grip on me has dissipated. I did feel like I was fighting against something unseen, but now I’m far more peaceful, and giving myself the compassion and kindness that I found all those years ago. Sounds simple doesn’t it? But I have been so down on myself all these years, blaming myself for unknown reasons, wondering where my joyful persona had gone to. I really did think she had abandoned me. And my body? Well she was trying to tell me something that I just didn’t understand.

And don’t even get me started on menopause. This delightful creature has ripped me apart, pulled me sideways, turned me inside out….without me even knowing. I thought I was out of this cycle, but turns out (from all my rabid research since finding out!) that we as women stay in a menopausal state for the rest of our lives. Who on gods  earth made that rule!? After I’d exhausted so many avenues, I addressed hormones. I found a hormone nurse who literally described all my symptoms to a tee. With some natural hormone support, my sleep has somewhat normalised and I feel human again.

I am breathing again. I don’t know what’s next, but I’m not clutching – I am becoming curious. I discovered that I spent a lot of time grieving – grieving the loss of my identity, that version of me that I loved, and had felt slipping away silently. And the painful belief that I couldn’t see my life in front of me – I was so consumed by my present pain and confusion.

Sounds terribly dramatic, doesn’t it? It’s only now, looking back that I have some perception and understanding of it all, but whilst I was in it (the sandstorm of it all), my only aim was to get through each day. I was totally unprepared for, and totally caught unawares by the ripple effects of menopause, and have a very new appreciation for my brave, beautiful body. I can see it as a fascinating topic now, and am feeling very warrior-esque at seeing it now for what it was. My only goal now is to listen intently to my body and physical self, and honour it at every turn.
Soften and nurture when required, and strengthen and train it when required. I have completely changed the way I exercise now, and am going gently gently forward.

I have been writing my next book in my head over these last few years, and this little exercise from Nikki has sparked the light to get it all down on paper, which is why I jumped on it! I have no idea of what my future holds for me right now, but am simply revelling in feeling that faint sparkle again.